


Olicity AU's & Drabbles

by essenceofheroism



Category: Arrow (TV 2012), olicity - Fandom
Genre: Al Sah-him, Angst, Arrow - Freeform, Felicity Smoak - Freeform, League of Assassins - Freeform, Oliver Queen - Freeform, Ra's al Ghul - Freeform, olicity - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-16
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-03-13 06:48:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3371813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/essenceofheroism/pseuds/essenceofheroism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a collection of all Olicity AU's/Drabbles. Prompts are accepted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Secret Regret of Felicity Smoak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After 3.09, when Oliver leaves to fight Ra's Al Ghul and does not return, Felicity discovers her deepest regret.

The sky was the colour of tranquility that day. Soft grass bent under her feet as the woman in the long, black dress and blond hair walked with a stony heart and a bouquet of flowers in a vast expansed field. She carelessly graced across trespassed territory, with a single destination in heart. As she saw it, her stomach knotted and her eyes threatened to break all floodgates. She had arrived. The woman in black observed the three tombstones, weathering but never crumbling against the chaos of the world. She envied these graves. Her paralyzed feet slowly carried her to the one in the middle. She sat beside it. Rather clumsily too. Her cold hands fidgeted with the petals of the white roses as she laid out the bouquet at the foot of the grave.

‘Hey, Oliver,” Felicity Smoak choked out as thick, hot tears rolled down her frozen face.  
After two years of Oliver Queen’s defeat from Ra’s Al Ghul, Felicity Smoak returned to Starling City. As Oliver had once resorted to the island after Tommy’s death, Felicity had moved on to Central City after Oliver’s. A day didn’t go by when he didn’t haunt her dreams or appear in every corner during the morning. When they had delivered his pale body along with the sword that monster had killed him with, Felicity knew she was destroyed irrevocably.

A part of her would always be empty. It was a gaping whirlpool inside of her that would suck her in entirely if she didn’t get away from him. He was dead. But she loved him. She remembered how she’d remembered at that instant that she’d never told him that. When Oliver was leaving to run at Death, he’d told her he loved her. And she’d been paralyzed with either joy or shock. Or perhaps both. All that mattered after he left was the she’d never said it back. What if he didn’t go if she’d said it back? What if she told him that she loved him so achingly, so agonizingly, and then he wouldn’t have miraculously died? It does’t matter anymore. It didn’t make sense but it was a what if that would linger in all of her existence. She remembered the stupidest thing she’d ever done when Diggle, Roy and that bastard Merlyn had left his body. She’d kissed him. Felicity Smoak had kissed the dead, cold lips of Oliver Queen. It couldn’t be described; the yearning and pain that was in that one collision of lips. The tears that had stained Oliver’s face didn’t wake him up. Her kiss didn’t wake him up. She told him she loved him, but that didn’t wake him up. Oliver Queen was gone. That’s when Felicity Smoak had broken down completely.

“I came back,” she weakly said now. “It’s the first place I came to after the airport. You know me, my terrible sense of direction, that’s why it took so long to get..” her words started to die.  
“But you obviously don’t care about my stupid transport issues because you’re..well, dead,” she said angrily as tears stained her shattered face. “I loved you. I never stopped, Oliver. And the single thing I regret the most is that I never got to say that to you. And when I did, you couldn’t say it back to me anymore.” Felicity whimpered, overwhelmed by the weight on her chest. “It isn’t fair, Oliver. You were innocent. I was innocent. And the one man I’d loved with all my broken being had to be buried several feet under the ground,” she sobbed uncontrollably. “I could never move on, you know. You were the first person that had taught me what love was. I never try to bring back our moments with anyone else because I know that whoever’s with me is going to ruin it. They’re going to ruin the idea of our love, Oliver. It was so real. We were real. It was unsaid, but it hung in the air, nonetheless. My memories of us are so perfect, and crystal clear, and fragile. They’re fragile, so I don’t disturb them, so that I don’t ruin them.” Felicity didn’t notice against her that the sky had suddenly began crying. It was pelting rain. “I don’t know why I’m blabbing on, Oliver. If you were here, you’d smile in that collected way I loved so much. You’d watch me as I would countdown to shut up. And you’d just wait, smiling.”

Felicity Smoak sighed through her tears. “I don’t know what I’m saying, because you obviously can’t do any of that anymore.” She huffed a breath. “All I’m trying to tell you is that I still miss you. Every part of me still screams for you. You were a part of me, Oliver. Now you’re just a hole in my chest that’s empty and aching. I still love you, no matter how hard I try to let you go. You don’t know what I’d give to just see you once again. For me to just talk to you once more.” Felicity looked at the tall tombstone and her heart crumbled as she thought of the man underneath it. The Oliver Queen that she’d loved with every piece of her being. “I brought you something,” Felicity sobbed quietly, as she took a green arrowhead out of her jacket’s pocket and laid it beside the flowers —

Suddenly a hand was shaking her, someone was calling her name. All was darkness, and then all was light. —

 

 

Felicity Smoak sat on her revolving computer chair as the multiple computers beeped and breathed in front of her. Her head rested uncomfortably on her keyboard and she slept in a large grey hoodie which covered the majority of her red dress. She writhed restlessly in her position and involuntarily voiced a whimper. She was dreaming. I walked quietly across the foundry, so that I didn’t wake her up or disturb her. But it seemed like whatever Felicity was dreaming of would soon do the job for me. I walked towards the front of the computer to get a clear look at her face. I walked my way over to the machines as my hand webbed the glass case displaying Oliver’s Arrow suit. It was as if it was mocking us all of his absence. I clenched my jaw as my body seemed to feel heavy, but I knew something was disturbing Felicity and I couldn’t just leave her alone. I stood in front of the computers and something inside seemed to shatter. She was dreaming about Oliver. Not dreaming, having a nightmare.

I knew that look, that feeling. I’d had nightmares for as long as I remembered. It’s usual for the damaged. I bit my lip. She must be seeing Oliver. Quite frankly, I’d be seeing him lately too. I didn’t remember what I saw after I woke up but I do remember that I sometimes had tears on my face or that I’d wrecked a couple things or screamed. Felicity and I both felt alone. Felicity’s brow was furrowed in either concentration or fear and her bottom lip was quivering. Her eyeballs were rolling violently under her tight lids and the expression on her face was of pure anguish. That was the situation with me every morning too. I knew that sometimes waking people during a nightmare was too dangerous because they’d lash out or scream or even damage themselves. But she was shaking uncontrollably now so I had to do something. My eyes just moved from her face and I noticed that she was wearing Oliver’s hoodie. She loves him so damn much, I thought. I walked over and put my hand on her shoulder and shook it lightly.

“Felicity,” I cautiously said. “Felicity,” I forced, louder this time.  
She let out a cry, causing me to retreat as her eyes flipped open and and she stood up abruptly, causing her chair to skid backwards.  
“Felicity,” I said carefully. My eyes were trained on her alarming posture.

 

“Are you okay?”  
My voice seemed to get through to her this time. She wiped her face quickly and tried to tidy her ponytail. I could see as she tried to reposition her dress that her eyes landed on the hoodie. She gave me a dreadful glance as she began to unzip the hoodie.  
“Felicity — don’t. It’s okay,” I said.  
She looked up slowly and met my eyes. I saw tears pooling in hers.

“I uh.. I was just cold, Roy,” her voice shook and her face was wild.

I walked slowly over to her and silently, wrapped my arms around her. It was a hug that I hoped gave her at least some of the comfort that Oliver used to give her. I placed my chin on her head and closed my eyes. Oliver used to do that to forget everything for a fleeting moment

“I miss him too,” I whispered. That seemed to crack Felicity Smoak’s shining armour. She pressed her face into my sweater as she breathed me in and I heard her whimper, “I dreamed of him, you know. I saw him. Except it was at his grave.” My insides froze and I felt myself tense but I couldn’t let Felicity believe that her nightmare could come true. I lowered my face and tried to look her in the eyes.

“He isn’t going to die. He’s going to win, Felicity. For you. For Thea, and for all of us.” I tried to reassure her. Tears started streaming down her face as she started sobbing, “I don't want to be believe that he isn't okay. I know he can do it. But for so long, we haven’t seen him, Roy. And I just want to see him.” She looked distraught— there was no other way to describe it.

It was the look of someone who believed they were infinitely and utterly alone. She sniffled. Felicity looked up to face me again. “Can I tell you a secret, Roy? It’s stupid but I need to tell someone.” I nodded.

“Of course,” I said with a smile.

“I see Oliver in my dreams.”, she whispered. “The time before today that I dreamed of him, he told me he missed me. Maybe if I dream again, he’ll tell me he loves me. Maybe he would’ve if you didn’t wake me up.” She wiped her tearstained face and looked down sheepishly and played nervously with her brightly coloured nails. With her raspy voice, she voiced the yearning and longing she had for the man in the green hood. “I want to see him again, Roy. So I can tell him that I’m aching without him. So that I do the one thing that I’ve regretted not doing the most” She looked up at me with her sapphire eyes floating with fear and longing in a pool of tears.

“So that I can tell them that I love him too.”


	2. Olicity Drabble (After 3.12)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver and Felicity have an interaction after the 3.12 comment "I don't want to be a woman you love."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This drabble was a prompt by tumblr user olicity-logic.
> 
> It takes place after the 3x12 “I don’t want to be a woman you love”

An irritated Felicity violently tapped her pen against the cool table top. She was supposed to be alone in the foundry today. It was her peace and silence. The computer’s breathing helped her think. The constant buzzing occupied her mind and let her sort her thoughts evenly. But now, there was the additional clanking of the bars being rigorously heightened as Oliver worked his way up the salmon ladder. His grunts would spot her thinking but that wouldn’t usually be a problem for Felicity. He was pretty composed as he worked out. It would be entertainment for Felicity, as she would fantasize foolishly about him. 

But not today. 

Truthfully, it wasn’t the thrumming of the heavy metal bars or his low grunts that was irritating or bothering her. It was just him altogether. Again, normally Felicity wouldn’t mind Oliver’s presence. In fact, she marvelled it. He felt like home. And she loved him. Spending her moments with her was bliss. She could blank away from everything for a while and simply lose herself in his scent and warmth. His rugged, self-drustive nature would mend her endlessly. And she would just smile, because that’s what love was to her. It was finding comfort. Finding home. That was Oliver Queen.

That was until he’d abashed all chances of their union. It had been three weeks since his return. The night that he’d returned, she’d told him she didn’t want to be a woman he loved. She knew that she’d meant what she said. On this path with Oliver, Felicity had seen so much death and destruction that when life offered her a hand, she didn’t want to miss it. But she wanted Oliver to walk down the road of life with her. She wanted him to be with her.   
But he chose not to.   
Oliver chose the Arrow over her.   
Despite the reassurances she would giver herself that what she’d said was right, there was a part of her that screamed. It whispered to her that she had lied. 

Whether it was her own raging war or Oliver that had brought her to this stage, but her anger had boiled to the point where there was no return. Felicity wanted to be alone. She wanted to leave but her car was getting repaired and it was pouring rain outside. She was trapped. With Oliver. Her anger and pain collided inside her and threatened to break her resolve as another metallic thunk penetrated through her thoughts. 

Her resolve. It snapped. 

“Oliver, stop it.” Felicity hissed loudly at him as she swivelled her chair around to face him. Unquestionably, he dropped down from the ladder, glazed in a thin sheet of sweat, his muscles toned and his chest breathing rapidly. He neared her with a stony expression pasted to his face as he grabbed for a bottle of water. 

“See, I understand why I have reason to be in a crappy mood today, Felicity, but I don’t understand why you do,” he shot back coldly.  
Felicity’s eyes slightly widened. That was it. She slowly raised herself from the chair, staring at him. 

“Excuse me? Am I prohibited on claiming my own moods now? Last I checked, you didn’t care enough about how I felt, Oliver.” Felicity glared back into his freezing sapphire eyes, her own burning with rage too. He opened his mouth to say something, but she cut him short quickly. “And whatever you’re mad about, it’s not my fault, so you don’t have the right to snap at me,” she seethed. Oliver slowly neared Felicity. She was wearing a beige knee-long dress that fit to her curves perfectly. Her blond hair was cascading gently down her shoulders and her eyes were dark with anger. But so were his. 

“Felicity, I’m sure that you’re well aware of why I’m mad. I just don’t understand your reasoning.”  
He was the only person Felicity had encountered who could whisper so violently. 

“No. No, I don’t understand why the pendulum of your mood swings is suddenly at emotional, because recently, it’s been at murder-practice with Merlyn.” His breath caught in his throat. Murder. Did she really come back to thinking he was a murderer? 

“See, I’m mad because tonight, I was supposed to be here alone. And then you decided to be here too. That interrupts my time,” she said with a bitter frost coating her words. 

“I was here to train, Felicity. I don’t understand why you would be here though, after your date with Mr. Palmer.” His voice was rising, but he didn’t care. It was about time they had this conversation. 

Felicity understood. 

“Ray? Really? This is what this is all about?” She laughed humourlessly.   
“What’s your problem, Oliver? I went on a dinner with Ray. And I don’t think that it should really have an effect on you.”  
“Well it does, Felicity! And that’s my problem,” Oliver’s voice was deeper and full of emotion he wasn’t able to contain any more. His hand involuntarily slammed against the table and several pens clattered to the ground. Felicity didn’t move. 

“My problem is that you went out to a date with him.   
My problem, Felicity, is that it isn’t okay with me because I’m still in love with you.”   
Oliver’s chest rose rapidly as he breathed hard. His throat ached, but he knew it was important that she knew. It was important that she knew that he was losing her. And that he hated it. For so long, Oliver had hated himself. Loathed his entire existence. But he’d loved her so much. With such agonizing force that he’d forgotten what it’d felt to hate himself. It was her, and just her. But that was snatched away from him. Felicity was getting snatched away from him.

Felicity’s words were lost. She felt the too familiar prickling of tears at the back of her eyes and at the hollow of her throat. She pushed them down. 

“No,” she said simply and took a step back.  
“No.” Louder this time.   
“You don’t get to tell me that any more. I already told you, Oliver, I don’t want to be loved by you. You made a decision. A decision that wasn’t favoured on my behalf. And now you don’t get to tell me you love me or that I’m hurting you because all that I’m trying to do is live. All I’m trying to do is stay afloat while you drown, Oliver. You’re drowning in a darkness that you summoned yourself. And I’m sorry if it bothers you, but I’m going to stay afloat.” Her voice cracked painfully. ”Without you.”

Ugly silence hung in the air. 

“Did you love me?,” Oliver asked in a quiet whisper, his eyes lowered, and his heart burning.

The question struck her. Her answer was definite.   
Yes, I did. I still may.  
But she didn’t say that. 

“Love, Oliver, is an underrated word for you. You told me you loved me.”

He closed his eyes at the memory, his jaw working, remembering holding her face in his hands. 

“You lied. You don’t know what it means to love, Oliver. You never loved me. It was always your hood. The hood was what you loved. It was never me.” Felicity broke a little even as she uttered the words. She knew she was saying them more to herself than him. To forget him. To hate him. To let go of him, and move on. Unasked tears slowly stained her face as Felicity decided getting thrummed by the rain was better than getting her heart bursted. She grabbed for her coat and made her way to the metal case. The one she’d heard his footsteps descending so many times, when her heart felt like it was going to burst out of worry. Except now, it was heartbreak and pain that threatened her.   
“And I am done with your crap,” she said to particularly no one as her voice shook with sobs that she didn’t want him to see. 

Her hands touched the cold railing as something he said stopped her. 

“I didn’t lie.” Felicity bit her lip in guilt at the break of his voice. Perhaps she’d been too harsh in her anger. It still licked her insides, threatening to boil violently. She consumed it and she considered heading upstairs but then decided against it. 

“When he plunged the sword in me, I was paralyzed. I couldn’t breathe.” His voice sounded so distant and remorseful. Agonized. Felicity closed her eyes. “I saw my life come back to me in flashes. I saw my mom, my dad, Thea. Everything I saw made me wish for another life. But at the end, I saw you. I saw myself kissing you, and I thought that I was going to hell. Because in my subconscious, you were there with me. But in front of my eyes, it was just an empty, cold expanse. You weren’t there. I was so far from you. I immediately thought that was my punishment.” His eyes raised to meet hers across the foundry. They were a dying blue. The blue of a stormy sea. A dimming light. 

She walked towards him slowly.   
“That doesn’t change your choice, Oliver. You chose your fight over your life,” she said flatly. 

His burning eyes seared her as he nailed each word to her with his sharp voice. “I don’t have a choice, Felicity. Unless you want me to really die when Ra’s comes looking for me this time.” 

“There are other ways-“

“Not for Ra’s, there aren’t. Just like there isn’t a way for us to work out. I just won’t change, Felicity. The part of me that adapted to people’s feelings and desires died long ago.”

That searing anger threatened Felicity again. Her voice unexpectantly rose again.

“Then I can’t love you Oliver! I do, and I hate myself for it. But if you weren’t so submitting to eternal misery, perhaps this would be easier. Maybe if you made loving you easier, you wouldn’t have to live alone. Because I loved you.” Her throat was burning with the tears that were going to break loose soon.   
“I dreamed of your return, Oliver. I dreamed of telling you I loved you—”

“And you were the first thing I dreamed of as soon as Tatsu operated me, Felicity,” he yelled.   
“I hate myself for not letting you go, for hurting you. I really do, but I’m trying to learn how to live without you, Felicity. I know it’s selfish that I can’t see you with anyone, but I can’t be with you either, but I’m trying to come at terms with that. Because you were always the one who comforted me the most, but the thing about pain is that it’s usually people you love that’re the source of it. And I hurt for you so much. I saw you in my dreams. I saw that you told me not to go and I agreed! Do you know why? Because that’s what I really wanted. I never wanted to leave you. I never wanted to say goodbye. But I had to. And then you’d kissed me and blood had gushed from my lips, Felicity. And you were terrified. The choices that I have to make as the Arrow aren’t the choices I want to make. 

But that’s the thing about hopes and dreams. They warm you desires and then burn you with reality. I saw what I wanted. I never left, you kissed me, we were happy, until his sword was rammed through my torso and you were screaming. I was dying.  
If that isn’t love, Felicity, then I don’t know what is. But whatever it is, I knew I wanted it with you.” His breath rattled and his throat was hoarse. There was a dull burning sensation electrifying through his body. He swung his hands behind his head and just closed his eyes for a moment. 

“I’m sorry, Felicity. I can’t try to stop loving you. I hated myself so much, but loving you made me forget it. And I’ll drown without it, Felicity. You can hate me, but don’t ask me to say that I don’t love you.” Oliver’s voice was a violent mixture of loud pain and misery and longing. Tearstained, Felicity didn’t know what else to do. She ached so bad, and she knew he did too. So she walked up to him and simply lifter her toes to plant her lips firmly on his. 

Oliver was taken aback as he retracted a step, taking Felicity with him. He melted against her lips. Oliver cupped Felicity’s jaw gently with his fingers as she pushed one hand on his forearm and the other on his bare chest. Tears spilled down her cheeks and desire burned in his mouth as they tasted each other . It was salty tears and chaos, and so much loss. Longing. Yearning. She pushed her hand against harder against his chest as she seeped all her anger, love, pain, and desperate desire into him through that one kiss. He suddenly winced and jerked, causing their lips to separate. 

“Oliver?”

“It’s okay, it’s nothing,” he tried to keep the wince out of his voice.   
Her eyes trailed down to where he’d doubled from. There was a massive and weakly applied stitch that was bleeding. She slowly levelled her gaze with him.  
“Is that..where..?” her quiet voice trailed off, communicating unsaid words.   
“Yeah.” he replied, understanding automatically. 

Tears sprung in her eyes again and flooded down her chin. “Felicity?” his concerned voice spoke out. 

“Are you okay?”   
She traced her fingers over the bleeding wound. It was huge. Her bloody fingers terrified her. They made her think of the pain he’d have gone through when the sword had been plunged in his body. Oliver’s seen so much pain in such a short life time. He didn’t deserve it. Then she’d hurt him too. A bitter sadness engulfed her.   
“I’m so sorry, Oliver. Look what happened to you,” she cried softly against him.   
“It hurt you so much. And you didn’t tell me. You went to save us, you almost died. Look at what he did to you,” Felicity cried violently as she stared at his gash.   
“Feliciity, hey.” He gently raised her chin to face him.   
“Fe-li-ci-ty, Look at me.” She slowly raised her blue eyes, floating with tears and pain. 

“I’m alright,” he whispered into her hair.   
“I’m alive,” he reassured her. 

“Hey,” he took her bloody hand gently in his hand and raised it to his heart.   
She felt the familiar beating of his heart. Felt herself relax. Felicity felt so grateful for the constant beating of his heart.   
“Feel that? That’s what you did to me. He may have cut me, but Felicity, Tatsu told me I had the will to live.   
And it was all you. I loved you. I wanted to kiss you, to come back to you. So I did,” he smiled reassuringly. 

She sniffled.   
“I can’t lose you twice.”

Oliver wiped away her tears from her pale cheeks. 

“You won’t.” His eyes sought hers as desire and longing glistened in them. Felicity didn’t know of what was coming next or how it would feel, but she did know what she felt right now. She would feel snatched away from the one man in her life who didn’t betray her. It would be too destructive. Felicity would destroy herself and him with her if she walked away right now, ignoring her feelings. Oliver was the storming sea that she’d agreed to set sail on. He was also the storm that would wash her to shore. To home. 

Felicity closed her eyes and laid a light kiss on a scar above Oliver’s heart.   
“Promise me. You’ll always come back to me.”

He smiled warily.  
“I always do.”


	3. One-Shot: Just for a Single Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a single night, the Arrow decides to be Oliver Queen.

"I don't want to be a woman you love."  
The words rang in his ears like repetitive sharp sirens. The brisk breeze hugged his body as he sighed after an uneventful nightly patrol. Tiredness engulfed his body but his mind and heart screamed, allowing him to be dully aching but wide awake. Oliver tightly clenched his jaw when he remembered the crack of her voice, but the confidence of her posture. Felicity has been so disappointed in him. So disapproving. She was always the one who filled him with pride, courage, motivation. She was the one who gave him his bravery. Felicity had always believed in him. 

Always until now. 

Her change of heart bruised him more than any sword or weapon could. Physical wounds either kill or heal. Emotional wounds were a disease. Slowly and internally contaminating, eating away any spark of hope. He'd chose not to attached to anyone for so long. He'd tried not to love her too. But it just wasn't in his control when it came to Felicity. Felicity was unique. Different. Full of light, determination, intelligence, bravery. The most beautiful part about her was that she reflected her traits into other people too, like she had with Oliver. Several times, she'd given him a new perspective. A perspective from the positive side of things; a perspective he didn't often dwell in. But he realized now that everything Felicity saw in him, the brave, courageous hero, was all a mirage. An illusion she'd painted and believed so fondly in that he'd started falling in love with painted canvases of realities too. 

But now she was gone. And As he trudged in the shadows, he felt so utterly hollow that his desire to disappear into the darkness strengthened further.   
Felicity didn't believe in him anymore.   
She didn't want to love him. She probably didn't.   
And she didn't want to be loved by him either. 

Hidden in the shadows with an empty heart and a screaming mind was purgatory. He hadn't seen her in so long. Hadn't really seen her, like he usually did. He would usually start with her lips, that brightly curved in a blinding smile. Then move up to her eyes. The eyes that glowed like a thousand suns. Then her finger nails. The bright colours were just so Felicity. They were a reminder of the light she'd brought in his life. Lastly, she'd turn around and he'd smile at her hair. That signature ponytail. Then there were always the guilty glanced he'd steal when she wasn't looking. That's how Oliver saw Felicity. Recently, he hadn't really seen her at all.   
Sometimes, the loneliness was too much to take. He wanted to be with her. He couldn't. The arrow made decisions that Oliver Queen despised but abided by like a slave to his master. 

Oliver's heart thrummed. He wanted to be Oliver Queen tonight. If only for a few moments. Just until the last of the darkness of the night evaporated. Just for a single night. Despite all, he smiled. He was going to be Oliver Queen. Just a boy in love with a beautiful girl. A boy irrevocably in love, drunk on the scent of the girl. 

He forgot the scars, the pain, the loneliness. Just a boy in love with a girl. His engine revved in sync with his pounding heart. 

 

The window was open. Good. He wouldn't have to cause any extra noise. He saw the curtain wavering in the tranquil breath of the city.   
And then he shot a grappler arrow into the brick just above the glass pane. Once again, he felt a splash of frost on his skin but there was something else that was stirring in him now.   
Nervousness.   
Second thoughts. Was this really such a good idea? Or was it a stupid impulse?  
He went with the second, but the opportunity was too beautiful. Oliver quietly slid inside the dark room through the window pain. He hid behind the curtains.   
Oliver smiled.   
Felicity slept on her queen-sized bed in a lavender tank top. Her legs were covered with a white blanket. Felicity's blond hair framed the moon-lot structure of her face like an angelic halo. His eyes moved to her lips. Then to her closed eyes. To the fingernails that clutched the blanket and then the hair.   
Once again, his lips threatened to lift in a smile with warm. He didn't stop them.   
He placed his bow silently on the laminate. Undid his mask. Took off his hood. He cautiously placed one foot ahead of another. The floor creaked, and every muscle in him went rigid. 

It was so absurd. Oliver lived the lives of shadows. Hiding in the dark wasn't ever difficult for him. Yet he felt so vulnerable with his hood down, mask off, walking three steps to a bed that lay so close to him. 

I'm a stalker, he thought bitterly. He couldn’t help but feel like he was invading on something private. 

But he’d yearned to see her for so long.  
She’d been the last person he’d seen when that sword has pierced him.  
Oliver took another step forward.   
Felicity lightly moaned, alarming him. False alarm. 

Amused, he noticed she slept on the left side of her bed.   
His mind uncontrollably blurted a thought.   
He always slept on the right. 

Oliver shook the thought off.   
He couldn't think of a day close by when Felicity would even talk to him, much less let him engulf her in his arms in her bed, like he'd yearned so much to do. 

He neared her bed. Oliver opened his mouth to say something.  
Nothing came out.   
When words failed him, his eyes said what his heart wanted. Oliver observed Felicity sleeping, noticing her even breathing. Skimmed her eyes over her flawless face, the soft hair he wanted to wring his finger through. She looked so vulnerable.   
And so beautiful.   
Yet so strong.   
Oliver knew. He loved her. He extended a hand to touch her face. Then thought against it. It would probably wake her up. And God, he didn't want to think of the wrath she'd show him if she knew he was here. 

So he retracted to the shadows behind the curtains. Looming against the fluttering wind, just breathing Felicity in. It wasn't much, but somehow, it was comforting. It soothed him. Seeing her so innocently, genuinely, and rawly injected a sense of euphoria in him. But also a sense of great dread. He'd never have her. He'll never touch her hair, or her lips. He'd never just encircle her in a embrace as she lay gently beside him.   
Because she'll never love him.   
There was too much blood, sin, and damage stained on his hands for her to ever think about loving him. 

Oliver thought of the world of Felicity Smoak then. He stood still behind the billowing curtains, tucked snuggly in the shadows, staring at her through the translucent cloth. 

"Hi, my name's Oliver Queen."  
"I already know who you are.."

"Felicity, you will always be my girl."

"I love you."

"Do you understand?"

"Say you never loved me."

"Don't ask me to say that I don't love you."

"I don't want to be a woman you love."

He closed his eyes in agony, his jaw working magnificently.   
He was walking on thin string, imbalanced. On one side, was Felicity and Oliver Queen. On the other, was the Arrow.  
Oh and how he wanted to fall into the abyss that would let him visualize a life with her.   
But he couldn’t. At least not now.  
He was still hidden in darkness but this was somehow more comforting. Felicity’s aura made it warmer. It’d been about an hour when he realized he’d been sitting on the window sill for too long. Oliver turned around, ready to slide through the window. Then a sudden impulse stopped him. He craned his neck slowly to look back at the sleeping figure of Felicity.   
He hesitated. 

Then something inside him kicked in and he turned around to stride over above Felicity.  
He knew he’d never get a chance to ever do this again when she was awake. So he took his chances.   
Oliver carefully lowered his hand and let his fingers glide her hair back from her eyes. They were so perfectly serene.   
There was the brief whisper inside in head that impulsed him to kiss her cheek.  
He decided against it. It may wake her up.  
So he simply demolished his desire as words simply formed on his tongue. 

“Goodnight, Felicity. I hope you know I’m sorry. For everything.” 

There was a moment when he lingered, just breathed her in. Like a normal man in love would. Like Oliver Queen would. 

He slowly moved backwards and did his mask. His hands reached and pulled his hood back on like an invitation to get enveloped in the emotionless void of the Arrow again. There was the sharp sound of an arrow getting released, and then all that remained behind the curtains of Felicity’s room was the scent of Oliver and the remnants of his dispersing desires. 

 

Felicity smiled sadly. Years of training and observing Oliver had taught her how to sense him. She didn’t have to see him to feel his presence. She could just pick up his scent. The scent of home. His collected, measured footsteps were etched in her mind. 

Felicity hadn’t woken up because sometimes, she needed a guilty pleasure. She knew that if she woke up, the anger would come back. The hurt. If she stayed in her bed, pretending to be asleep and unaware, it was just her. Just Felicity and Oliver, sharing a moment. Whether he knew it or not. 

"I hope you know I’m sorry.”  
Felicity smiled. Because she knew.


	4. Al Sah-him Series: 1. My Name is Oliver Queen (Part I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A three-part story involving spoilers from 3x20-3x21 and speculations for the rest of the season.

 

 

Al Sah-him marched into the dimply lit room, heavy black ropes sweeping the dense brick floor. The coolness of the ornate room hit him in waves despite the dense attire that cloaked his broad shoulders. Impassively, he walked up to his master with stony sapphire eyes.

 

Master. Oliver Queen would have accepted a blade through him before this man, this demon, was his master. But Oliver Queen had been weak. He’d learned to love. Love had gotten him killed. _Thea_. He’d break whatever fathomable limits he had to to save her. And so he had. 

 Now, Oliver Queen was a character of the past.   

Al Sah-him, Wareeth Al Ghul walked up to the Demon’s Head, who faced the pit of water in the centre of the grand parlour. Ra’s al Ghul observed his reflection in the emerald waters of the pit. The slight crushing of grit under hard boots notified him of the boy’s presence. 

 

“Al Sah-him,” he murmured, his back still rising towards the boy. 

 

“Yes?” the boy responded in a clipped, numb tone. 

 

“You have disappointed me, boy.” 

The disappointment dripped from his sulky words, coating the Heir in guilt and shame. Al Sah-him felt his eyebrows pull together as confusion invaded his blank state. 

 

“I’m sorry. But I don’t understand."

Ra’s slowly craned his neck to look at the boy. Decorated elegantly all in black, adorned with ornate pieces of metal and silver, his Heir stood, planted in the room. The flickering shadows consumed most of his dark demeanour, enhancing his high cheekbones and tightly working jaw. Ra’s slowly shuffled his feet to move towards Al Sah-him. The two men were close enough so that they could read each other’s eyes. Ra’s read a lost past, a blank slate in his eyes. He marvelled as a small smile broke through his lips. Quite rare as it was for the Demon to smile, Al Sah-him’s darkness, his passion, strength, never failed to impress him. 

 

“I have decided for you and my daughter to unite. To wed. Did you understand, Al Sah-him?” 

“Yes.” It was an automatic response. No thought, no consideration behind it. Al Sah-him’s movements, his speech, were all mechanical; automatic. He lived to serve. Oliver Queen no longer existed. 

 

“I cannot have you wed my daughter if there are still remnants of Oliver Queen existing in you, Al Sah-him.” Ra’s slurred his words with anger. He rounded them with amusement and madness. 

Al Sah-him’s eyes flashed with something indescribable. The flare was too slight and short to notice, it was almost non-existent. 

 

“I don’t understand.” 

 

“Yesterday, Al Sah-him, when I appointed you the task of gathering Nyssa, you faced the people protecting her. For a warrior such as you, there shouldn’t have been a delay. I am told that Serab was ordered to search all of Nyssa’s guardians."

 

Al Sah-him tilted his head in old habit. It was a sign of understanding. Ra’s peered into his eyes. Willed him to confess what he had done after that. At the boy’s persistamg silence, he understood. When he’d first accepted the place of Ra’s al Ghul, he denied the instances when the man that he’d been before broke a chink in the armour of the League. Al Sah-him was doing the same. 

 

“All were searched. Except for one."

A pause hung in the stale air of the room. A silence that was anything but silence. It was the boy’s master willing him to challenge him. 

 

“Except for Felicity Smoak."

The sudden twitch in Al Sah-him’s jaw did not go unnoticed. The same flare from before flashed, but he did not avert his eyes. He did not dare shatter the silence. 

 

Ra’s shuffled around, encircling around his Heir. 

“There are pieces of Oliver Queen floating upwards, Al Sah-him,” he whispered, eyes unmoving from his face. Ra’s wished to explore and notice every movement, every twitch of muscle that could expose Oliver Queen. The weakness of Al Sah-him. 

 

“Oliver Queen is dead."

 

“Not completely, boy.

I will not tolerate resistance or delays in your duties because of betrayals caused by Oliver Queen. I will also not tolerate your previous body’s unmoving affection for Ms. Smoak cloud the bond of blood between you and my beloved daughter. 

I may be rash with her at times, but I do love my Nyssa.

Oliver Queen’s trust, his undying faith in Felicity Smoak allowed him to serve her as an exception. _No one_ is an exception, Al Sah-him.” 

 

Ra’s stood to his right. Al Sah-him craned his neck to face him, eyes heavy with madness. Heart empty. 

 

“What would you wish me to do?"

 

A smug ghost lingered on the Demon's face. “I would like for you to extinguish the last remaining part of Oliver Queen. The most important one. As confirmation to my soul, so that I know that Al Sah-him is truly fearless. Truly indestructible."

 

“How?” clipped, sharp responses that could shatter glass, came from Al Sah-him.

 

“You will kill Felicity Smoak.

And henceforth, you will end Oliver Queen.

Forever." 

 

_To be continued in Part 2._


	5. Al Sah-him Series: 1. My Name is Oliver Queen (Part II)

Felicity Smoak.  
Felicity Smoak.  
Felicity Smoak.  
The name rang and reverberated against each tall wall of the dark room. It wasn’t a name anymore. It was a target. Something caused him to shift his eyes, an emotion almost. He tried to understand it, grasp at it. He searched for it in his blank, empty chest. Nothing. 

 

A day later, the wind whipped the warrior’s armour and suit. They stood on the roof of an abandoned factory. A low top of large expanse. Al Sah-him stared into the wildness of the night, absorbing the foreign city lights. 

“She’s here.” Maseo’s voice bounced against the current. Unmoving, Al Sah-him shifted his eyes so that he saw her.   
“You may leave."  
Felicity Smoak was roughly pushed into the gravel of the roof, knees staining the ground with blood. Her hair was a messy golden halo and the remains of frozen tears glistened against her pale cheeks. Fading red lipstick stained her lips, that were bleeding. Her glasses were slightly crooked and her eyes were shut close in unconsciousness. Her lips quivered as her head hung low, looking at herself. Oversized pajamas hung how on her hips. Felicity wore a large grey hoodie, which was now stained with mud and blood. Oliver’s hoodie.

Felicity’s unconsciousness passed and as her eyes opened, he saw a painful abyss of heartbreak, astonishment and desperation. The sudden reality came crashing down. He could hear her slight whimpers and groans of discomfort and confusion.   
“Where the hell am I?” she screamed at blank space. Her voice held a slight quiver, but it was strong nonetheless. Shadows and darkness obscured her view.   
“Son of a —“ her words were swallowed slowly as a shape emerged out of the darkness. A man clad in leather and armour. Filled with weapons and adorned by metal. He moved further towards her, feet crunching the grit on the roof. 

Her vision tried to clear as the buzzing in her head slowly cleared.   
The face moved into complete range. The dull lights of the city towers exposing the sharp panes of his face.   
No. No. Oh God.   
Her strength momentarily left her as she craned her neck to gaze at him, like some dark knight that had been ressurected.   
“Oliver?” she choked weakly.   
Al Sah-him stared down at the woman, kneeling before him. 

“Oliver, is it really you?” Felicity was hoping against hope that this man, this monstrous mask that Ra’s had created would fail to devour the man inside. The Oliver Queen she’d fallen in love with. The one she still ached for. 

Through the silence came a sharp and piercing automatic response.   
“Oliver Queen is dead.”   
Vivid, clear words. Four words. Four words that broke her. Felicity physically felt a hand twisting her insides, stretching them out so she felt nauseated. Squeezing her throat so she couldn’t breathe. Every word was like a knife, digging deeper into her airway. These four words, coming from his mouth, cleanly jagged her heart the way a silver sword never could. 

‘‘No. You can’t say that to me. You can’t give up hope, Oliver. I haven’t and you can’t either. Search for yourself,” she sobbed and panted. Her heart wrenched out so that all that she felt dripped down her face in wet tears. All that she thought spilled down her tongue. 

Again, came the same monotonous reply, although this time, from a difference voice.   
“Oliver Queen is dead.” Ra’s walked from behind her, robe attached to the hilt of his gleaming sword. 

“You monster,” she seethed through clenched teeth, willing him to challenge her. Daring him to say anything else about Oliver Queen. Ra’s proceeded on as if she hadn’t uttered a word. 

“Like the falcon loves the master that binds and blinds it. I am Al Sah-him’s master. He will do as I ask. He will end you, Ms. Smoak. It is the last piece to ending Oliver Queen forever. I am sorry. Most do not get the authority of an apology from the Demon, but I am sorry you have to be ended by the one you love. It is simply for his best.” He spoke with a quiet calm. The calm before destructive storms. 

“He won’t touch me.” Felicity’s voice was small but powerful. She glared at the Demon with red-rimmed eyes that seared nothing but hate at him. Hate for snatching the love of her life away from her. Hate for ripping away the shreds of humanity her best friend had. Hate for using him, moulding him into a monster that killed innocent blood without a thought. Hate. For turning Oliver Queen, a man that saved lives and sacrificed so much for everyone but himself, into a psychotic weapon. 

Ra’s was amused. Smug. “I have faith in him, Ms. Smoak. I have come unarmed but for my sword because I believe I will not need to stain myself with your blood. Al Sah-him will be adequate enough for that. It was not my intention to provide harm to you. I keep my promises. But unfortunately, you were turning into am obstacles for Al Sah-him's transformation." 

"You turned Oliver into a stupid voodoo doll. He does what you ask of him. Oliver would never even imagine working for your mental asylum," she spat at him. He laughed humourlessly, which ignited a roaring fire in the pit of her stomach. Felicity felt nauseated. How could a human lose so much humanity. 

"Ms. Smoak, have you ever thought about the possibility that Mr. Queen wanted to be Al Sah-him in the first place. They say darkness can't enter without permission. Oliver Queen was a man with a great void for destruction. The darkness, it suits Al Sah-him. In the deepest parts of him, Mr. Queen desired for this. And so, Al Sah-him was born. He no longer flinches from his destined name because he has accepted his true future. "

"Bullshit," she choked. Felicity's eyes flickered to Oliver. He observed their conversation unmoving, unfeeling. 

Her movement did not go unnoticed by him.   
"Oliver Queen loved you endlessly Ms. Smoak. Al Sah-him does not. You fail to remember that." 

She ignored him. Felicity searched for Oliver in the warrior's eyes but all she saw in those eyes was madness. The once blue orbs that shined at her had turned almost black. His face was impassive. Heartless. He didn't recognize her. Felicity. His Felicity. Felicity felt her insides clench and churn with disgust and pain. A withering snake swirled up her throat, blocking her air. 

"Oliver, please," she pleaded. The cuffs tying her hands behind her started to bleed as she struggled further to release herself. She wanted to release herself and gather every ounce of energy to run to him, capture herself in his arms. She'd kiss him with every bleeding drop of passion she possessed. She'd bring him back. She'd bring her Oliver back. 

He did not respond. He did not waver. He shut his eyes momentarily before shifting them to Ra's. Waiting for an order. Because that's what Al Sah-him was. He was a weapon that required permission before ensuing chaos and destruction.   
"It is time, Al Sah-him." Felicity could practically hear the pleasure Ra's was getting out of this. 

In a heartbeat, Al Sah-him gracefully raised the heavy, black bow with his left arm.   
Felicity's head filled with jagged shards of pain. Her vision was starting to blur as she strained to see in the dark. 

"Oliver please," it was a choked sound. A plea. 

"I know you're still under there. No mask, no mask, has the strength to captivate the man that you are. Nothing can change the way I feel about him, and you know that. Oliver don't do this." Her voice came out in shaky sobs. 

Without hesitation or difficulty, he wrung his fingers around three black arrows from his quiver and nocked them to the glimmering bowstring.

She continued, without hesitation. Her voice was unlevelled but Felicity was determined.   
"Once I kissed your cheek because you proved me right. And I wanted to kiss your lips because hell, I've told you I believe in you so many times and every single time, you prove me right. You do it, Oliver. You break past any obstacle that hinders you from protecting people. You overcome any hurdle that stops you from protecting the ones you love. Oliver, I've said it before and I'm saying it again. I believe in you."

His arm straight and levelled, three dark arrows laying perfectly still, Al Sah-him tugged the bowstring backwards with three gloved fingers so that they were rested below his mouth. 

Felicity Smoak was still in denial.   
"You are the man that I believe in." Her voice wasn't loud anymore. It was flat.   
"You're the man that I love. I won't ask you to not kill me. Because the Oliver I knew wouldn't need someone to beg for their life. Oliver Queen didn't take lives. He was a hero. And I loved him." 

He shut one eye, ready to aim. 

Felicity shut her eyes. She had lost. Oliver had lost. She'd lost him. Felicity snuggled her neck in the hoodie she wore. It was his. The hoodie smelled like his strong scent. It felt like safety and love and family. Tonight, surrounding herself in his hoodie before laying in her bed had made her cry. It had reminded him what it half felt that one night she'd slept in the same bed as it. His scent had allowed her to imagine what it would feel like to of it once more. 

"I will always love you, Oliver. Wherever you are. You were my happiness. And nothing will ever change that." Felicity opened her eyes. They ached with the lingering weight of tears and agony. Felicity Smoak was about to die, but that didn't change the way she felt. It didn't change the fact that she still hadn't given up on him. It still never changed the fact that she would always search for the man she loved. She exhaled softly, remembering his touch. It was red. Don't ask me to say that I don't love you. I love you. I'm glad it did. Then let's not say goodbye this time. 

Al Sah-him slowly breathed in, fixing aim so that the three arrows were pointed directly at Felicity Smoak's heart. 

"I love you, Oliver."

His chest rattled as if something was trying to break free. He didn't move. A shadow was trying to cleanly demolish his armour. Some memory was trying to formulate. He breathed deeply. 

Al Sah-him steadied his breath as his fingers felt the hard string underneath them; ready to let go. He looked at the woman on the ground, strong and steady. Red-rimmed eyes but an angelic cascade of hair. A foreign, tragic beauty. 

He exhaled. Three fingers released.   
The arrows flew.


	6. Al Sah-him Series: 1. My Name is Oliver Queen (Part III)

She shook as her heart raced uncontrollably. Not out of fear, but resentment.   
She saw him exhale. Three fingers released.   
The arrows flew. 

Felicity screamed. It was over.   
“Al Sah-him,” Ra’s voice bellowed.   
“What have you done?”   
Three arrows dug deep in Ra’s chest, blood slowly spewing out of his mouth. He’d use Ra’s vulnerability as his weapon. His warrior had used his master’s faith in him against him. He was almost proud. As his robes and the weight of his legs pulled him down, Ra’s heard five clean words slice the cold night air. 

“My name is Oliver Queen.” 

Felicity’s jaw was ajar. Tears regaining control, falling in lanes down her cheeks.   
“Oliver,” she breathed.  
“Oliver, its you!” she laughed, despite everything. Despite the chaos and destruction, Felicity laughed the most innocent sound he’d heard in so long.   
Oliver dropped his bow and strode over to the woman on the floor. Unsaying anything, he untied her hands. Unsaid words, thoughts, breaths were exchanged between the starstruck pair in that one small moment. The longing, the pain, the goodbyes that were never said. 

“Oliver,” she grabbed his arm and forced him to look into her eyes; to stop him from avoiding her searching gaze. 

“I’m sorry,” he answered.   
Felicity jumped towards his shoulders, encircling him in an embrace that showed affection beyond whatever hell he deserved. He fell back from her sheer force, but didn’t flinch. Oliver’s head hurt as if morphed memories were forging and trying to formulate inside him. He shut his eyes, but didn’t allow his arms to hold her. He didn’t deserve her. Reluctantly, she pulled back, cupping his jaw. Felicity’s tears decorated her glowing face as her thin fingers explored his face. Touched every bone and skin of his face, trying to once again familiarize herself with what he felt like.   
“You’re back,” she whispered. “I missed you so much."

“Felicity..” he breathed her name in a foreign tongue. It felt so detached. He hadn’t said it in so long. He hadn’t touched her in so long. The way he missed her was the way darkness ached for light. The way madness ached for sanity. 

“I’m here,” she replied in a heartbeat.   
“I can’t remember everything..” he helplessly confessed. She felt her heart fall. He didn’t remember. 

“It’s okay,” she lied.   
“Just remember your name. Never forget that.   
And that I love you, Oliver."

He simply gazed helplessly at her. Oliver felt the radiation of kindness and warmth from her and hell, he wanted to lose himself in her. In shame, he hung his head.  
“There’s too much blood on my hands for you to love me."

She touched his arm, sending flares of memories and pain through him.   
Felicity knew words couldn’t fix him. Perhaps at this point, nothing could. But she tried. Felicity did the one thing she knew she wanted to do. In heated passion, she bruised his lips as she crashed hers onto his. In fire, she tried to tell him how much she loved him, tried to tell him how much she’d missed him. Felicity tried for him to understand that he was the one man she’d always believe in. Her hand encircled around his neck, as she felt his eyelashes brush against her cheeks. He didn’t try to take control of the kiss. He felt too weak, wounded, lost. But she was anything but lost. Felicity tasted him, breathed him in. Felt the bloodlust on his armour, traced the scars on his back where she knew they all rested. Despite it all, the moment was over too fast and he pulled back. 

Their breaths were shallow, cheeks flushed. 

“Are you sure, Felicity?” he croaked.   
“More than anything.” And as blue collided with blue, she slowly saw madness turning into sanity. Felicity saw darkness washing away into kindness. And she saw Al Sah-him crumbling to pieces, the mask Ra’s al Ghul had forged shattering, to reveal the man she knew would never be lost. To reveal Oliver Queen.


	7. Almost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after 4.09. Oliver has a panic attack after Felicity's death.
> 
> Warning: Major Character Death (Felicity)  
> Trigger Warning: Panic attack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this blurb floating around in my head for a while now and I haven't written in quite a long time so I'm not sure what this is like. I've personally had panic attacks but I'm not so good at writing them, but I tried to the best of my ability. 
> 
> Kudos/Comment to let me know how it was. Happy Holidays! :)

Time stuttered. It was too fast and then it all just stopped. 

Or maybe it wasn’t the time at all, but rather her stilling heartbeat. 

 

“ _Felicity, come back to me._ ” He gasped, his lungs on white hot fire, aching for air. 

“ _Mr. Queen, we’re sorry. We tried—“_

“ _Felicity, no._

_No._

_You can’t._

_Felicity, breathe.”_

He stood paralyzed, his hands frantically gripping the edges of the cold, porcelain sink.

His breathing quickened. 

Oliver looked up at the mirror in front of him with stains decorating the dirty edges. He saw his eyes, bloodshot from leashing the tears that threatened to fall.

 

_B_ _lood._

_Blood settling in the crevices of his hands._

_Hot Blood._

_Staining her red lips._

_Blood._

_Tracing haunting lanes down her pale neck._

_Just so much blood._

_His fingers fumbling on her stilling pulse._

 

A strange icy sensation hummed in his veins and ice begins encase his heart. 

" _Felicity, Felicity breathe.”_

His throat was scorched with fire and his head pounded. The heart monitor showed those lines. Those lines that just didn’t make sense, but vaguely somewhere in his clouding mind, they acted like the strings which pulled at his heart as he waited for them to climb so he could know she’d live. 

  _So they’d live._

So close.

They were just  _so damn close._

He had almost made it.

She had almost lived.

They had almost won. 

 

_Oliver, I love you. I love you._

She had stretched her last breaths in that gas chamber to tell him _she loved him_. He had thought he would watch the light drain out of her clear, azure eyes in front of him. 

And then she had made it. They had made it. 

No, _almost,_ a wicked voice reminded him. 

He was just so _angry_. She had deserved this. They had deserved this. They had fought for so long, always pulled towards each other and then violently thrown back the opposite direction. For so long, there was always that aspect of protection; selfless protection, which had blinded him to waste so many beats of their lives so that often he wondered if only life-threatening situations could ever make him see things clearly. He often laughed, for he thought that, for not for the persistence of his blonde hurricane which kept colliding and repeatedly, relentlessly, colliding, into the immovable structure which was the _Arrow,_ he would still be encased in that hollow mask. Or worse, perhaps. He didn’t know what it felt to be without her, because he’d never truly lived without her shadow lingering in some aspect of his life, whether he’d been acknowledged it at the time or not. She was just so eager, and so strong and so adamant to be with his side, whether he was wielding a sword or an arrow. She was always here, and he was always hers. 

He had been reborn, in a way.  _We found ourselves in each other._ She washed that darkness away, cleansed every corner and surface till he was pure and he was new and he was  _hers._

But she was laying lifeless in that empty room, and now he had trouble breathing because _oh no, Felicity, not you. Never you._

_There was this vacuum in his head, this white noise, with a hot ring which formed itself inside his throat. An invisible hand closed steadily and slowly around his sweating neck. There was a mirror in front of him. And then there were two and then there were more; until there was darkness and he punched it. Oliver tried to punch the darkness away, physically. It laughed at him, really, because the man had never really known how to do it himself. He relied on that bud of sunshine which he’d sown to his hip since day one and he’d shielded himself with her against the shadows and the chaos, without realizing it. They all called her “Felicity.”_

_His head buzzed._

It was a little cruel, he thought, the way “felicity” meant immense happiness and the moment he’d asked the woman he loved if she’d make him the happiest man on the planet, if she’d grant him pure felicity, she’d been taken from him. It’s like he jinxed it. His tongue wasn’t ever meant to utter that word. _Happy._ What did it mean to be happy?

To be by her side, it was an instant reflex of an answer. And it was such a cliché idea, but that’s what they were, he guessed. A cliche fairytale, in which the princess saves the hopeless peasant with a kiss. But she was nothing less of extraordinary, so much more than a fairytale princess in every aspect he could imagine. Except for that part where her prince could awaken her with a kiss.

As far as he knew, Felicity lay lifeless on that cold, hard bed. And he had tried, with too much passion and too many times, to try to wake her up with a kiss. He would’ve tried till his lips went raw, were it not for the nurse that pulled him away from her.

_Mr. Queen, I’m sorry._ The nurse’s voice was nothing more than the buzzing of a housefly in his ear that he annoyingly tried to swat away. They pushed him out of that ugly glass room and he felt himself falling, slowly disappearing. 

He fell against the harsh wall, his legs giving away under the cold realization that someone was taking her away, taking Felicity away. From him. And he was returning to that cave in his mind, the one which she’d sealed when she’d told him she loved him, the one where that mask lay. 

_The ring. He saw the ring sitting on the sink. Her ring. Oliver screamed. His breathing quickened, his eyes let the tears fall and then his heart thrummed in his ears. It was so loud, just so loud. He put his hands to his ears to just push it all out, to just wake up from this nightmare. His bloody knuckles left imprints on his face when he tried to wipe his face but it didn’t work, like it never worked. His breaths were audible now, really loud. He felt water entering his lungs and his knees began to jerk but the worst of all was how heavy his heart felt. It physically hurt, and deep inside his darkening head, Oliver thought that this was a panic attack._

_That he was getting a panic attack after so many years and the last time had been a little after his mother’s death and Felicity had found him in the foundry and helped him breath. She had wiped away the cold sweat that lined his forehead just now, and then she had told him to focus on her voice. She had taken his face in her beautiful, warm hands and looked at him with those steady, focused eyes. He clenched his eyes shut now, because he didn’t know what to do without her. He quite literally didn’t know how to breathe without her at this instant. That ring around his throat tightened one last time and Oliver’s heart was beating too rapidly, his thoughts were all just slurs, and he was too cold, his fingers were just too numb. He tried to pull a breath in, but it was just too much pain in his throat and there was just no word to sum up what he felt but he was a little thankful that the door to the bathroom opened at that instant and someone came inside when everything darkened and he fell._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: ohliverfelicity  
> wattpad: essenceofheroism


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